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sg1friendathon: Snake Wrangling 101 (Gen)

Title: Snake Wrangling 101
Authors: dennydj and eilidh17
Word Count: 5,672
Rating/Warning: Rated: Gen. Attempted humor. References to past relationships.
Spoilers: None. Story set just after Daniel descends in season 7
Prompts: Jack and Daniel - A) Do you always have to touch everything alien we find? B) Well this is another fine mess you've gotten us into.

Snake Wrangling 101

Jack wasn't feeling the love. Planet-side for barely two hours, and he was knee-deep in boredom and facing a week more of the same. The UAV had relayed pictures of a dilapidated temple off in the distance, on a world that held no more interest to the SGC than said temple off in the distance. Soil samples were 'unremarkable' according to the geologists, and the infrequent energy spikes Carter had mentioned in her pre-mission briefing were... very infrequent.

Ergo... Jack was bored.

From his spot just inside the entrance to the temple Daniel had ensconced himself in, Jack could see the rest of SG-1 off in the distance. Teal'c was walking their defined perimeter and Carter was collecting plant samples, what little there were of them. A light breeze was blowing up the gully from where the Stargate was located, with just enough chill to have Jack pull up the collar of his jacket for extra warmth. This world was largely barren, and whatever civilization had once been here was obviously long gone. There wasn't even a sign of a path from the 'gate to the temple, which further convinced Jack that this mission would be a bust.

If only the long-range telescope on the UAV hadn't picked up familiar writing on the outside of the temple.

"There's no one here, ya know," Jack tossed to the air, because he was sure Daniel would completely ignore him. "No one but a few shrubs and some bugs. Small bugs. Hardly worth a week long mission for."

"Weren't you the one who sued for some downtime?"

"Well, yeah. In front of the television, remote in one hand and beer in the other. This hardly counts as taking things easy for a week."

If Jack had been looking in Daniel's direction, he would have noticed the tiny smile that tugged at his lips, and the shift of eyes that slid in his direction and hastily back to the wall he was still investigating. "Well," Daniel said, "you wanted me to get some field time, so here we are."

"On a Goa'uld world?"

"Dead, Jack... this place is dead. The UAV said so—"

"And you believe the intel?"

"What's the point in sending a UAV ahead to scout the area if you aren't going to rely on what it sends back?"

"Isn't that my line?"

"You would think so."

Jack huffed. "Well, it's obvious you don't remember everything."

Daniel clucked his tongue and put down his brush, rising to his feet to shake his legs out. "No, probably not, but then this was your idea."

"Remind me to apply in writing next time. That way I won't be ambushed at a briefing by my own team."

"Yeah, sorry about that. Sam said this planet had been on rotation for some time."

"Low priority."


"Dusty old temple and not much else to offer."

"Perfect way to spend your downtime."

"Except that I'm not down and the government is still paying me!"

"There you go. That's a pro!"

"The con being I'm getting paid but there isn't a pizza place or liquor store within a hundred light years. It's not downtime unless we are actually... you know...."

"Down. Yeah, I get it." Daniel returned to his wall and Jack went back to guarding the entrance to a temple that didn't need protecting from anything more than the wind and bugs. Despite his cries of boredom, which he knew the rest of his team would treat with little to no respect because it was all for show, Jack felt strangely at ease. They had Daniel back from his celestial wanderings, which was the biggest morale booster he could ask for, and they were finally fitting back into the groove of being a team again.

"Ah, Jack?"

Speak of the devil. Jack climbed to his feet and made his way towards the portion of wall Daniel was working on. "Something?"

"I'm not sure." Daniel pushed the little brush over the writing, sweeping away what was probably centuries of dust and cobwebs, to reveal the much familiar shape of Goa'uld writing.

"Forgotten how to read this stuff or is it that you haven't remembered?"

"Neither. I can read it just fine, it just doesn't make much sense."


"Could be." Daniel adjusted the direction of his flashlight, which he had standing on the ground and wedged between several rocks, until the beam revealed more of the wall.

Jack took in the writing, not understanding a single glyph, and tried to feign interest. "Have you considered it might be a wall full of writing that actually doesn't mean a thing?"

"And the purpose for that would be what?"


"Helpful, Jack. Real helpful."

"I try," he said with little enthusiasm, leaving Daniel to his dusty wall and confusing writing, to search out one of the far recesses of the crumbling temple.


Jack held his foot in place and directed his flashlight down to his right boot. "Ah."


"Stay where you are!"

"I thought I heard—"

"Yeah, I've stepped on something."

Daniel rose to his feet and took a few cautious steps towards Jack, similarly shining the beam from his flashlight down to Jack's foot. "Something?"

"Hidden trigger."

"You're sure?" Daniel held his place.

"When something clicks when you step on it, there's a fair chance the ending won't be good."

"Right." Daniel took a cautious step backwards and used his flashlight to indicate towards the temple entrance. "I'm just gonna—"

"No you're not."

"Get Teal'c?"


But Daniel was still eying the entrance to the temple like a prize to be captured.



"What are you doing?"

"I just don't... you know... fancy sticking around while—"

"While what?"

Daniel mimed an explosion with his hands. "Boom!"

"Oh, I get it. Finding death overrated now?"

"Let's just say that practice doesn't make perfect."

Jack watched Daniel's left hand move towards his radio. "Don't even think about it. If this is a trigger, then radio waves may well set it off without either of us having to move."

"Right. What do you suggest we do?"

Even formulating an answer was out the question as a shower of dust and debris rained down from the ceiling, followed by the familiar whine of rings dropping into place. Jack's world dazzled for an instant as he and Daniel were swept away.


"Well," Daniel huffed as the rings sped back up into the ceiling, "this is another fine mess you've gotten us into."

Jack looked down at his feet and then up to the decidedly Goa'uld decorated ceiling. "I'm usually the one saying that to you."

"Things change."


They had been deposited into a typical Goa'uld ring room. Gold walls embellished with familiar script rose up to meet a polished ceiling that was only broken by the circular slots the rings dropped down from. Three corridors took off in different directions, leaving them with a choice of escape options.

"Please tell me you still have your Beretta?" Jack checked his P90 and patted his vest to where he had spare clips stashed.

"Yeah." Daniel tapped his thigh for good measure.

"Great, because I think we have company."

Daniel could hear them coming now, the familiar sound of heavy Jaffa boots on the metal floor. They marched almost in time with each other, their footfalls getting louder and louder with every step. "Which way?"

It hardly mattered when Jaffa emerged from all three corridors, their staff weapons already primed and aimed squarely at Jack and Daniel.

"Hi!" Jack said, with his P90 raised to his shoulder. Daniel didn't even have time to draw his weapon. "I don't supposeif I said 'Take me to your leader' we could make this look like I was calling the shots?"

A Jaffa stepped forward, his gleaming gold forehead tattoo clearly denoting his rank as First Prime. He opened his mouth to speak...

"No. No." Jack lowered his weapon and left it swinging on its clip. "Don't bother kreeing," he said raising his hands in surrender. "If we've heard it once, we've heard it a dozen times."


"Jaffa! Kree!"

Jack heard the smooth, Goa'uld dual-toned voice before he could see her. He and Daniel had been ceremoniously marched down one corridor with staff weapons held firmly at their backs. They were both weaponless and decidedly choiceless.

The corridor came to an end and they stepped into a garishly decorated throne room. The walls were typically gold, but swathed with white silks and fine fabrics, reminding Jack somewhat of the tent Amunet had lured Daniel into all those years ago. Braziers lined the walls and the air was heavy with a scent he couldn't recognize.

As they marched further into the rooms, sheer curtains parted, as though on command, to let them pass, until finally they were standing in front of what Jack could only describe as the biggest throne he had ever seen.

And sitting on top of it was a Goa'uld queen so ugly he had to fight hard not to grimace and turn away.

"We found these two in the ring room, Majesty." The first prime wasted no time going on down on one knee to his queen, while from behind, Jack and Daniel were forced to theirs by the working end of a staff weapon.

"All you had to do is ask," Daniel grumbled as he fell forward to his hands and struggled to right himself. "Really, only too happy to oblige."

"Silence!" The First Prime bellowed.

Jack was still trapped by how ugly this Goa'uld was. "Howdy, Ma'am," he said, clamping down on his bottom lip with his teeth, as though perhaps he could be distracted from commenting further by inflicting some personal pain.

From high atop her throne, which was close to six feet off the floor, the Goa'uld sat with her massive legs crossed and her skirt barely covering her thighs. She wore a tight fitting red corset that appeared to be laced down the front with chain. Around each of her meaty arms was an amulet with a design Jack wasn't familiar with, and atop her head was a crown that resembled a warped representation of an alligator.

"Who are you?" she asked in a tone so silky smooth that Jack found it painfully difficult to reconcile it with the image floating before him. "Where did you come from?"

“Oh, we’re just travelers passing through; didn’t mean to barge in on your, uh, party.”

“We can leave if you’d like,” Daniel added.

“You are not going anywhere,” the Goa’uld declared. “Now, answer my question.”

“Which question is that—the first one or the second one?” Jack asked innocently.


Jack tried to brace himself but wasn’t quick enough. He was knocked flat on his stomach and a heavy boot settled on his back, pressing him to the floor.

“You,” the Goa’uld pointed at Daniel, “answer my questions or your companion will suffer.”

“He’s not actually my companion, more like a—”

“Daniel!” Jack grunted as more pressure was placed on his back.

“Look,” Daniel lifted his hands towards the Goa’uld, “we were just exploring the ruins and suddenly found ourselves here. We really didn’t mean to trespass.”

“You cleverly avoid telling me who you are. You are dressed similarly and carrying weapons, so you must serve a System Lord. Which one?”

“We don’t serve any of those snaky bast—” The air whooshed out of Jack’s lungs as the Jaffa pressed his boot even harder into his back.

“What he’s trying to say is that we are free men, and serve no one,” Daniel placated.

“So you say.” The Goa’uld slid off of her throne and walked to the edge of the platform on which it sat. “If that is true, then perhaps I will take you as my personal slaves.”

“Uh, just how ‘personal’ are you talking about?” Daniel asked.

“Jaffa!” The Goa’uld waved her arm and the boot was, mercifully, removed from Jack’s back. A hand latched on to his collar and whisked him off the floor. He found himself back on his knees next to Daniel.

“You okay?” Daniel asked.

“Never better,” Jack replied, massaging his jaw.

“Bring that one,” the Goa’uld waved her hand at Daniel. Beefy hands grabbed his arms and dragged him forward, while the Goa’uld waddled to the steps and descended.

Daniel’s first close-up of the Goa’uld wasn’t a pretty one. She was several inches shorter than him, and her ancient, watery eyes gazed directly up at him over a wrinkled, crooked nose. She reached out a leathery hand and caressed his cheek. “So soft.”

“Hey!” Jack shouted. “Do you always have to touch everything alien you find?”

“It has been so long since I had visitors, especially such attractive ones.”

“So we’re what, fresh meat?” Jack asked.

“Not helping, Jack.”

“Better you than me. Have you seen her legs? I’ve got a close-up view down here, and let me tell you, she could use a waxing.”

“Why do you speak of candles?” The Goa’uld turned her attention to Jack.


“Dripping hot wax on their legs isn’t quite the rage here, yet, Jack.”

“Ah, you speak of a torture I have not yet tried. It sounds most enjoyable.” She smiled, revealing two crooked rows of yellowed teeth.

“You try it first and let us know,” Jack quipped.

“Uh, Jack, don’t give her any ideas.”

“I think she’s got plenty of her own ideas, Daniel.”

“Stop giving her more!”

“Arguing over who will be first to pleasure me?”



“You are mocking me!”

“It’s what we do.” Jack gave her his best cheeky grin.

“Speak for yourself,” Daniel countered.

“Oh, come on! You practically invented snake-baiting!”

“I did?”

“You don’t remember?”

Daniel swirled a finger around his head. “Still a few missing pieces.”

“Ya know, some of those memory lapses are awfully convenient.”

“Convenient? You think I’m pretending I don’t remember?”

“Well, if the shoe—”

“Stop! I cannot stand this bickering!”

“Bickering? Us?”

“I didn’t think we were bickering. More of a disagreement, really.”

“Or a discussion.”

“Just some friendly banter.”


Daniel was shoved to his knees again, alongside Jack. The Jaffa kept firm grips on their shoulders.

“Boy, she’s touchy.”

“Comes with being an old crone.”

“Silence!” The Goa’uld’s face was pinched with anger.

“What do you wish us to do with them, Majesty?” the First Prime asked.

The Goa’uld paced back and forth, her hands grasping her head in frustration. “I must think.”

“By the way,” Jack said, “who are you?”

She stopped pacing and faced them, drawing herself up to her full height. “I am Ixtab. I once ruled a vast empire, until my father confined me here.”

“Ixtab?” Daniel repeated.

“You’ve heard of her?” Jack asked.

“Um, well, I’ve heard of the Mayan goddess, Ixtab.”


“Goddess of suicide. Usually portrayed with a noose around her neck.”


“Ah, you have heard of me.” The yellow teeth were back.

“A little,” Daniel said. “But who is your father?”

The smile quickly faded, replaced by flashing eyes and a curled lip. “The beast known as Zipacna.”

“Really?” Daniel’s eyebrows shot to his hairline.

“I should have recognized the same lack of fashion sense,” Jack quipped.

“Like father, like daughter? Or is that like snake, like snake?”

A staff weapon in his back sent Daniel sprawling on the floor at Ixtab’s feet. “Hold your tongue,” the First Prime ordered.

“Do you make your own grass skirts or is there a whole planet dedicated to the cause?” The words had left Daniel’s mouth at about the same time the First Prime decided to make good use of the pointy end of his staff weapon by burrowing it in Daniel’s left kidney. He grunted in pain, daring to meet Ixtab’s gaze for just a moment.

The pleasure he saw in her eyes was chilling.

“Enough!” she bellowed. “I would not have my evening pleasure bruised beyond what I can repair.”

From beside Daniel, Jack snorted and tipped his head to one side, a small smile playing on his lips. “Got yourself a slight sarc problem?”


“Kinda explains why you look a whole lot older than good ole’ dad.”

Daniel caught on quickly. “Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest Goa’uld of them all?”

“You drank from the fountain of youth but the water was stale?”

“Oh, that's good!” Daniel chimed, the pain in his side momentarily forgotten. “Now tell her the one about the dog and the dancing monkeys.”

“You know that one?”

“Eh. Sam filled me in on the details.”

“Right.” Jack looked back to Ixtab, who had parked her ample self back on her throne and was looking most unamused. “You see, there was this dog—“


“Limited vocabulary or is there some other meaning we don’t understand?” The staff weapon was back and teasing his right kidney now. “Shut-up?” Daniel looked up at Jack from his spot on the ground, hoping for a vote of sympathy. Jack just shrugged.

“You shall be first in my chambers this evening,” Ixtab purred, raking her fingernails over the arms of her throne, rings of diamonds and other colored jewels jiggling on her fingers. Jack shuddered theatrically. “Does it have to be me first? I mean, I’m flattered and all, but surely youth comes before experience? You know that whole saving the best for last routine?”

“Experience?” Daniel tried to laugh but it came out sounding more like a gag. “Checked your expiration date recently?”

“What? One bad knee and you think I’m down for the count?”

“Well, you’re definitely down. When was the last time you actually—”

“My track record isn’t up for debate.” Jack shuffled around on his knees, maneuvering closer to Ixtab’s throne, in a gesture that might have been seen as him taking sides in an argument. “Besides, you’re the one with a hobby for collecting princesses.”

“I get engaged that one time and you have to keep reminding me. Shall we discuss Kynthia?”

“Shall we not?”

“I’ve missed this.”


“This… this thing we have happening here.”

“What thing?”

“The snarky one-liners. You know, that type of thing.”

Jack looked positively confused. “You’ve missed it? While you were ascended?”


“How would you know you missed it if you can’t remember what you did when you were gone?”

“Not the point.”

Jack turned towards Ixtab and shrugged, offering her a half smile. “Seriously, Ma’am. I’m good for one shot on an average day. You might want to consider your starting line-up.”

Ixtab smiled salaciously. “But you so amuse me.”

“I do?”

“And I have not been amused in a long time.”

“Don’t get many visitors in these parts?”

Ixtab considered Jack for a moment, stroking the hairs on her bulbous chin in thought. “It is difficult to have cooperative guests when they discover they can never leave.”

“Did you say never?”

“Should you harbor any thoughts of escape, you should know that the rings will not return you to your destination.”

“And yet they brought us here to begin with?”

“The device that controls them only allows matter transport in one direction.”

“Right. So we can check out, but—”

Daniel started humming Hotel California. Loudly.

Jack tried to ignore him but found he couldn’t. “Will you quit it!”

“The ambiance not working for you?”

“Not so much.” Jack turned back to Ixtab. “You should know that it’s our duty to try and escape.”

Daniel instantly stopped humming. “It is?”

“Well… yeah.”

“Really? We used to do that?”


“Try and escape every time we were captured.”

“What do you think?”

“I think you should refresh my memory.”

“Well, there was that one time—”

“Which time?”

“You know, when we were… no, wait, it didn’t work then either.”

“Talking our way out of a situation didn’t work?”

“That was plan A.”

“And plan B was?”

“Shoot our way out.”

“And how did that work out?”

“Improved my kill ratio no end.”

“Jaffa, Kree!” The trip down memory lane had come to a dead end. “Take these two to my chamber and draw a bath.”

Daniel took a quick sniff of his armpits. “Daisy fresh. Must be you.”



“Look to me, then to the Goa’uld, and then back to me. You are trapped in a B-grade sci-fi show with a man you wish you could be.”

“You just had to go there. Couldn’t resist, could you?”

“Hey. When I’m in the zone…”

Ixtab’s First Prime stepped up to Daniel and grabbed him under his right arm, hoisting him abruptly to his feet. “Wait! If I’m gonna be tonight’s dessert then at least answer me this.”

“Speak,” the Goa’uld said smoothly.

“If Zipacna is your father—a term I use very loosely—then why does he have you locked up here? And where is here, exactly?”

“Guess we should have asked that to begin with, huh?” Jack said matter-of-factly.

“Well,” Daniel shrugged one shoulder. “That’s why they pay me the big bucks and you… not so much.”

“Do I need to remind you about the fifty bucks you still owe me?”

“Only if you can prove the debt.”


Jack quickly shuffled back towards Daniel, as though the Goa’uld’s word had verbally slapped him. “That’s a change from kree!”

“I think the word suits her, don’t you?”

“Well, you know what they say. A change is as good as a vacation.”

“This is a vacation?” Daniel looked about the room and nodded semi-appreciatively. “Décor needs work, but I can see the potential—”

“You would do well to banish any thoughts of escape. The rings will not help you, and this chamber and the other connected to it have been carved into the mountain.”

“Above the temple?”

“A ruse.”

“Boy, you must have some daddy issues.”

Ixtab lumbered out of her seat and wobbled down the stairs to stand nose to chest with Daniel. She placed one not so delicate capped finger on his forehead and dragged it down the side of his face and across his cheek. “Perhaps we shall do as your companion insists and take you first. I believe your feistiness would serve to pleasure us more fully.”

“Yeah,” Daniel drawled out, deliberately not meeting her lustful gaze, “I don’t think you want to do that.”

“No? You speak as though you have some command of the situation. I can assure you, you do not.”

“She’s got you there, Daniel.”

“Yeah, well, she’s also wearing a hand device.”


“Multifunctional setting. One for pain and one for pleasure.”


“Well, no, probably not. But if it did, there wouldn’t be a high enough setting to get your libido working again.”

“Oh, here we go again. Back to the snarky one-liners and innuendos.”

Without warning, Ixtab grabbed Daniel’s chin and pulled down hard, forcing him to look at her. “Yes,” she purred, “we should be pleased to partake of your gift.”


“As only a queen can fully appreciate.”

Daniel groaned.

Jack waved one hand in the air to get Ixtab’s attention. “Not to take away from this obviously beautiful moment, but Danny boy has been there, done that, and got a t-shirt from Hathor for his generous donation to the Goa’uld cause.”


“Yeah. What Jack means is that I’m fresh out of gifts.”

“A eunuch?”

“Well, no, but—”

“Snippity doo-dah,” Jack sing-songed.

“Jack, you’re not helping.”

“Perhaps, should my father return, I would ask him to restore your godliness. As a favor.”

“He takes requests?” Jack asked, with not even a modicum of seriousness. “You should consider asking him for a new host.”

“You do not find my form pleasing?”

“Have you heard of the saying, ‘Beauty is skin deep’?” Daniel asked, deadpan.

Jack snorted, and whispered, “But ugly goes all the way to the core.”

Ixtab either didn’t hear or chose to ignore him. “We were once beautiful. A queen among queens. Many regarded us as a rival for Aphrodite.”

“Oh, that’s a relief.” Jack tried to look genuinely impressed, trying on a serious expression that really didn’t fit well. “I was pretty sure the Goa’uld preferred hosts that didn’t resemble mastages.”

“Ah, Jack… Zipacna?”

“Oh, right. Good point. Well, I guess you can’t all be choosy.”

Ixtab hardened her grip on Daniel’s chin, and he struggled to maintain his composure, instantly willing Jack to cease with his baiting.

“So,” Jack went on regardless, “got your last host on planet ugly?”

“This host is not of my choosing, but that is more than can be said for your death.” She turned her gaze back to Daniel and sneered. “I have little use for a slave who cannot perform for me,” she said, releasing his chin. “Perhaps I will have your friend after all.”

“Lucky me,” Jack groused.

“Actually, that makes me the lucky one,” Daniel said cheekily.

“You may not feel quite so fortunate after my Jaffa ‘interrogate’ you.”

“I can save you the time; I won’t tell you anything.” Daniel lifted his chin defiantly.

“We shall see.” Ixtab raised her hand and aimed the hand device at him.

The beam slammed into his forehead, the pain stealing his breath as she forced him to his knees.

“Hey! Take it easy, will ya? He’s kind of sensitive to those things.” Jack shouted.

Ixtab glanced at him, her lip curling into a sneer. “Your concern is touching. And here I thought you did not like each other.”

“Where’d you get a crazy idea like that?”

The beam abruptly cut off and Daniel pitched forward, landing on his stomach. He lay with his eyes closed, tremors rippling through his body.

“I am not crazy!” Ixtab shrieked at Jack.

“Coulda fooled me.”

The First Prime took a commanding step forward, staff weapon priming, sending a wave of heat into Jack’s face.

“Right. Stop talking. Gotcha.”

“Your insolence is no longer amusing,” Ixtab hissed.

“Guess… we need… to work on our… routine.” Daniel’s voice drifted up from the floor.

The sound of automatic weapons fire echoed down the corridor that led to the ring room, punctuated by the occasional blast from a staff weapon. Jack could easily distinguish the unique chatter of a P90.

"That'll be the cavalry!"

Daniel groaned and rolled over, looking up at Jack with his brows drawn in pain, but a small smile on his lips. "Minus their horses... of course."

"Of course, no horse."


"So my rhyming skills need a little work!"

Wordlessly, but with a flick of her beefy wrist and a sharp nod of her head, Ixtab sent several of her personal guard to investigate.

"Fat waste of time that is," Jack said in an almost casual tone. "Unless you enjoy sending your Jaffa on suicide missions."

“Silence!” Ixtab screeched, and pointed the hand device at Jack. “I should kill you now.”

“I wouldn’t try it.”

The remaining Jaffa spun to face the source of the voice—Carter’s voice. Staff weapons buzzed to life, but Teal’c was faster, blasting two of Ixtab’s Jaffa before they could get a shot off. Jack took advantage of the situation to grab the nearest discarded weapon, aiming at the Goa’uld queen.

The First Prime hesitated, and his men followed his lead, their weapons raised but not firing.

"Kill them!" Eyes flashing in anger, Ixtab took a hesitant step towards Daniel, but then shuffled past him and up towards her throne, gaining some distance between herself and the intruders. Her First Prime appeared unable to move, and then very slowly lowered his staff weapon to the ground, taking a step back away from it.

“Hail, Dorothy!”

“Wait,” Daniel said, “wouldn’t that make Teal’c… Toto?”

“Don’t let him hear you say that,” Jack whispered.

"Colonel?" Sam kept her weapon aimed straight and true at the First Prime. Teal'c stepped forward to kick the staff out of reach, all the while his gaze was fixed on the other Jaffa.

"We're good, Carter. Nice rescue."

"Yeah, about that," Daniel said, finally pulling himself up into a sitting position. "Zipacna did a whammy on the rings."

Sam slid her gaze over to Daniel and then back to her scope. "One way trip?"

"Ah, yeah."

"Not anymore it's not."

"It isn't?"

"You remember those energy spikes I was trying to track?"

"Intermittent and barely registering?"

"Finally got a strong enough signal that lead all the way back to the temple."

Daniel struggled to his feet and moved away from the base of the throne, noting that Jack now had the Goa'uld zip tied, along with the rest of her Jaffa. Teal'c had wasted no time taking care of the First Prime.

"Right, and when you got there we were gone," Daniel concluded.


"You didn't notice?"

"Sorry, Daniel. Teal'c was guarding the entrance, and I figured you and the colonel had left to take a break. Anyway, I traced the spikes to a segment of wall in the temple, and finally to a hidden power unit. The circular indent in the floor made it pretty clear that the power unit was for a ring platform. I got the unit open and noticed that the one of the crystals had been removed. Problem fixed."

"Just like that?"

"The crystal in question controls the molecular matter--"

"Aht!" Jack said from his position guarding Ixtab. "The abridged version, please."

"Sorry, sir. The crystal had been removed but it wasn't gone."

"Unlike us, Carter."

"Once we realized you and Daniel were actually missing and not off--"

"Taking a break."

"Right. I replaced the crystal and activated the rings. Here we are."

"So, getting outta this place?"

"No different than any other time we've been trapped in a secret Goa'uld base and had to rely on rings to escape."

"We've done this before?" Daniel asked, looking a little perplexed.

"Get used to it, Daniel." Sam looked to Jack and then to the Goa'uld. "Anyone we know?"

"Not so you'd recognize, no. But her dear old dad is an old acquaintance of ours."

"She is Ixtab," Teal'c announced without even the slightest sign of surprise. "First Daughter of Lord Zipacna."

"Shol'va!" Ixtab spat, but got a staff weapon to the shoulder from Jack for her troubles.

"You've met before?" Jack asked. "And... First Daughter?"

"Lord Zipacna has many daughters, but his first was believed to have died by his order for plotting the assassination of many of those that came after her. It was believed that she was jealous of their beauty."

Jack turned to Ixtab. "Jealous of the hosts or their snakes? See, I get confused sometimes."

But Ixtab totally ignored Jack and glared hard at Teal'c. "You know not of what occurred, only of the rumors spread by my father."

"It is also told that Lord Zipacna had you removed from your then current host and put in one with less appealing features, then locked you away in a room of mirrors before having you killed."

Ixtab dipped her chin to her chest and drew in a deep breath. "One hundred years with only my reflection for companionship. The silence of my host was deafening."

"Zippy wasn't up for a mercy killing?"

The Goa'uld looked up at Jack and then suddenly away from him, staring out into the room at nothing at all. After a moment, she whispered, "Mercy is a concept for the benevolent, but in a moment of grace my father removed the mirrors and sentenced me to live out my life here instead."

"Well!" Jack slapped his thigh and smiled widely. "As lovely as spending a few hours with you was, I'm all for bugging out and leaving you to your snaky ways."



"We can't just leave her here."

"Why the hell not? Carter, can you do that whammy act with the rings again?"

"Yes, sir."

"There you go, Daniel. Sure we can leave her here." Jack turned to the trussed up First Prime and what was left of his Jaffa unit. "You boys don't mind staying a little while longer, do you? Got no place special to go?"

“Please,” the First Prime pleaded, “do not leave us here.”

“Not enjoying her highness’ company any more?”



"These warriors deserve the right to choose their future."

"Okay, so we march them to the gate and tell them to what? Go? Be free?"

Teal'c tossed him the eyebrow of death.

Jack groaned. "Are we doing this whole way of the warrior thing?"

"You do not believe they should be allowed to join my brothers in the Free Jaffa movement?"

"Well, yeah..."

"And the Goa'uld?" Sam asked, nodding in Ixtab's direction.

"Well," Jack started, smiling slyly, "We have this friend. This chum. This buddy of ours. He's a bounty hunter. Pretty sure I have his number on galactic speed dial..."

"He's still in the business?" said Daniel.

"You really need to catch up."


"You know..." Daniel looked to the 'gate off in the distance, and smiled wistfully. "I was really looking forward to some downtime here."

"Na, not enough bugs."

"That makes a difference?"

"Yep." Jack kicked at the ground and sent a hail of dirt and pebbles into the air. "Hardly counts as a vacation if you aren't fighting off the local bug population."

"We could come back."

"Yeah, right, and dollars to donuts Fraiser locks you to an infirmary bed for a few days."

"Ah, why?"

"You don't think I saw that Jaffa teasing your kidneys with a staff weapon?"

"Hardly noticed him."

"Right. And getting ribboned again?"

"Barely a headache."

"Well, if you manage to slip all that past the doc's keen eye, then I'll consider slating us for a quick return visit."

“You’d do that? Come back here instead of pizza and beer in front of the TV?”

“Any chance we could smuggle a six pack and a deep dish with mushroom through the gate?”

“Bribe Siler—he can do anything.”

Jack put his hand on Daniel’s shoulder. “Glad to see you haven’t forgotten everything.”

The End


( 8 comments — Leave a comment )
Oct. 10th, 2013 01:35 am (UTC)
Oh, perfect! I love the banter, going long enough to let Sam and Teal'c rescue them...

Very nice!
Oct. 12th, 2013 07:43 pm (UTC)
Thanks! We thought banter would be a fun way for these two to reconnect.
Oct. 10th, 2013 01:57 am (UTC)
Ha!! I particularly loved the inversion on the line "Do you always have to touch everything alien we find?" Sweet!!
Oct. 12th, 2013 07:44 pm (UTC)
Thank you! We thought having the Goa'uld say it would be a nice change. :-)
Oct. 10th, 2013 04:56 am (UTC)
Commenting at both journals, because why not?

YAY for snark and pointless arguing and Teal'c's eyebrow of death and Sam's competence and just... all of it, really. :D

A fun romp with Jack and Daniel. Whee! Thanks for contributing. :)
Oct. 12th, 2013 07:46 pm (UTC)
We were hoping a snark-fest would give everyone a laugh. Glad you enjoyed it!
Oct. 11th, 2013 01:10 am (UTC)
Love it to pieces! All the Jack/Daniel snarky banter and snake-baiting a fangurl could hope for! :-D

Well done, both of you.
Oct. 12th, 2013 07:47 pm (UTC)
Thanks so much! We were hoping everyone would enjoy some snarky snake-baiting. :-)
( 8 comments — Leave a comment )

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